一辈子

也许老了，路走多了，很多东西也看明白了。

一辈子太遥远，在我眼里，也不存在。

Disconnected

I am writing this so that I can remember this episode of staying apart. In case, it happens again in future, or probably next time, forever.

It does not make a very big difference though, considering I am quite often left alone. Most of the time, I eat alone, I sleep alone. I stay alone. Probably, not alone, because Dylan is with me, Thida is with me and the dogs are with me.

But I felt ... alone.

I stayed in the office till late, dreading the night that is coming. The most dreadful part of the day came when it is time to go home, as I look forward to ... nothing.

I strolled out of the office slowly, dragging my time. I tried recalling ... why do I feel so lonely? Why am I not attached to anything?

Then I realised that he does not participate in anything in my life, at all. With the house sold, that little attachment is gone with the house too.

I can't feel his existence because there is zero participation in the family. I am in-charge of everything in the family and it just felt like I am shouldering it all alone.

There is a total disconnection that I cannot mend.

所以我承受了

我因为都是为了别人而活，所以自己的喜怒哀乐都是别人牵着走。

我明白自己的咎由自取。所以我承受了。可是如果他以为这全部都是我理所当然的付出，那也许这一切都是错误。

是时候为我自己而活了。