Disconnected

I am writing this so that I can remember this episode of staying apart. In case, it happens again in future, or probably next time, forever.

It does not make a very big difference though, considering I am quite often left alone. Most of the time, I eat alone, I sleep alone. I stay alone. Probably, not alone, because Dylan is with me, Thida is with me and the dogs are with me.

But I felt ... alone.

I stayed in the office till late, dreading the night that is coming. The most dreadful part of the day came when it is time to go home, as I look forward to ... nothing.

I strolled out of the office slowly, dragging my time. I tried recalling ... why do I feel so lonely? Why am I not attached to anything?

Then I realised that he does not participate in anything in my life, at all. With the house sold, that little attachment is gone with the house too.

I can't feel his existence because there is zero participation in the family. I am in-charge of everything in the family and it just felt like I am shouldering it all alone.

There is a total disconnection that I cannot mend.