水清则无鱼，人清则无友。
缘起，我在人群中看见你。
缘尽，我看见你在人群中。
其实天很蓝，阴云总要散；其实海不宽，彼岸也连此岸；其实梦很浅，万物皆自然；其实泪也甜，当你心如愿。
22 May 2023
23 March 2023
12 August 2022
31 December 2021
我想你了 - Annie Ahyi
2021 年12月30日，家人打了电话给我跟我说 - 你走了。
你走了。。。走了。。。我头脑一片空白。我愣了，不知所措。
‘我知道了，让我知道之后的安排。’
我还来不及，再见你多一面，再看看你，再说说话，再抱抱你。
我们之前说的，等你好一点，我们要去走走，逛街，吃饭，喝咖啡。。。可是一样都没有做到。
我没等到。。。
我从小几乎把你当成我另一个母亲，谢谢你在我生命里出现，我很感激。
我想你了。。。怎么办。。。
我们来世再见。
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出殡那天，在你被推去被火化的那刻，我们应该要跟你好好道别，让你能安心离开。可是。。。可是。。。我一句好话都说不出。
就这一句 -- ‘我们再约。’
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看了看你最后发给我的讯息是八月份，我记得我其实是约了去见你，可是因为某些原因，我失约了。然后跟你说我们再约。可是我没有做到。为什么我没有。。。没有来得及见你多一面。。。
20 October 2021
24 June 2021
Bitter Life in my eyes
Unfortunately, this bitter thought just won't go away.
For the last decade, I carried this piece of guilt hidden in the bottom of my heart, regretting to myself that I brought someone out to this world to suffer.
This guilt becomes heavier as he grows older when challenges in life become tougher and rougher, and parenting it all alone is physically and mentally gruelling. I salute all those single mothers out there.
Having grown up in a family whereby both my parents do not handheld me in all matters, I grew up to be an independent woman. I grew up finding my own way to adulthood, seeking resources myself be it in studies or play.
Being educated in this manner, I became a mother not wanting to handheld my child too. But sad to say, my child can't. Without being able to master the social cues in life, he is a clueless kid and is the exact opposite of street smart. Why is my kid not normal like the others? I am full of envy when I see other children who can function normally.
If I had known, I would have guarded with my life not to let this bitter life carry on to what seems an eternity. Who says life is short? I think a lifetime is so long. Maybe too long.
It is a joke and I laughed bitterly inside me whenever thoughts like that came to my mind:
"Please pack and leave home."
"Please run away from home."
"Please go seek refuge at other places."
And...
"Please... run away... get away from someone."
This year, he is 14. And my guilt is also just as old.
24 February 2021
23 July 2020
28 June 2020
存在不存在 - 不用讲究
再有选择的情况下，我当让然会选择一起出门办任何事。可是很遗憾的是，你不是那么想的。
从来不干涉你的嗜好，可是当我发现你的嗜好远远超过我需要你的时候，才恍然大悟，我的地位在你眼里排在哪里。
如果随便一个人能代替你的存在，那么我还需要你干什么？
其实我早就知道啦，只是一直不想承认。
好啦，看开了，就好了。
从来不干涉你的嗜好，可是当我发现你的嗜好远远超过我需要你的时候，才恍然大悟，我的地位在你眼里排在哪里。
如果随便一个人能代替你的存在，那么我还需要你干什么？
其实我早就知道啦，只是一直不想承认。
好啦，看开了，就好了。
04 November 2019
Teach me how to control natural reaction
If I have the ability to control my natural reactions, I must be a psychic. And it won't be called natural reaction anyway.
I am only human, you understand?
31 May 2019
Day of discharge - 31 May 2019
5.30am - nurse woke me and ask me to go shower (omg at this timing?! )
6am - lying in bed clean and fresh, waiting to be slaughtered
6.25am - nurse came to keep my valuables in the safe, including my phone. Tried to return to sleep since there's nothing to do
6.50am - the sound of wheels are so loud, nurse pulled open the curtain and announce to go to the operating theatre
7.05am - arrive at the OT, put on showercap, put on bp measurer, and heartbeat sensor on my finger, after settling my body in the position I would be doing the scope, doctor came in and explain to me that he will not start till I m sleeping. He then injected two or three tubes of I dunno what and I was amazed that I will be sleeping soon? I blinked after the injection, and was thinking how long will I take to fall asleep. Because it took me real long to fall asleep these days.
Next moment nurse tried to wake me and tell me it's done and I am on the way back to ward. I couldn't talk but in the back of my mind I was 'huh it's done?! I totally didn't feel it!'
I continued to doze off.
Next moment, another nurse says to go for MRI and wheeled me there. Continues to sleep. The MRI takes forever, the machine tells me to breathe in and out and hold my breath for I think 10 times, each at a 3 minutes internal, the whole duration I have to put my hands above my head, my hands were freezing, and is almost numb from the cold.
10am - back to ward, continues to sleep because of the drowsiness
11am - Doctor Wong came, showed me the images taken of the stomach, pointed out the many red dots found and said these are inflammation and explains these are severe gastritis and is the cause for pain. The biopsy also show traces of Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori) infection, so will have to continue to take another week of antibiotics to clear it. Will give me hospitalization leave till end of next Friday (that's a total of 8 days hospitalization leave! Wondered about the doctor's generosity on HL)
11.45am - finally eating my breakfast after multiple reminders from different nurses.
31 May 2019, marks the day I get discharged from Mount Alvernia because of severe gastritis. I thought I could die from the severe stomach cramps that occur suddenly in the middle of the night on 29 May, and I actually sent myself to the hospital alone because I couldn't take the pain anymore. The pain is indescribable, same like giving birth contractions?!
Let's hope such incident don't happen again.
6am - lying in bed clean and fresh, waiting to be slaughtered
6.25am - nurse came to keep my valuables in the safe, including my phone. Tried to return to sleep since there's nothing to do
6.50am - the sound of wheels are so loud, nurse pulled open the curtain and announce to go to the operating theatre
7.05am - arrive at the OT, put on showercap, put on bp measurer, and heartbeat sensor on my finger, after settling my body in the position I would be doing the scope, doctor came in and explain to me that he will not start till I m sleeping. He then injected two or three tubes of I dunno what and I was amazed that I will be sleeping soon? I blinked after the injection, and was thinking how long will I take to fall asleep. Because it took me real long to fall asleep these days.
Next moment nurse tried to wake me and tell me it's done and I am on the way back to ward. I couldn't talk but in the back of my mind I was 'huh it's done?! I totally didn't feel it!'
I continued to doze off.
Next moment, another nurse says to go for MRI and wheeled me there. Continues to sleep. The MRI takes forever, the machine tells me to breathe in and out and hold my breath for I think 10 times, each at a 3 minutes internal, the whole duration I have to put my hands above my head, my hands were freezing, and is almost numb from the cold.
10am - back to ward, continues to sleep because of the drowsiness
11am - Doctor Wong came, showed me the images taken of the stomach, pointed out the many red dots found and said these are inflammation and explains these are severe gastritis and is the cause for pain. The biopsy also show traces of Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori) infection, so will have to continue to take another week of antibiotics to clear it. Will give me hospitalization leave till end of next Friday (that's a total of 8 days hospitalization leave! Wondered about the doctor's generosity on HL)
11.45am - finally eating my breakfast after multiple reminders from different nurses.
31 May 2019, marks the day I get discharged from Mount Alvernia because of severe gastritis. I thought I could die from the severe stomach cramps that occur suddenly in the middle of the night on 29 May, and I actually sent myself to the hospital alone because I couldn't take the pain anymore. The pain is indescribable, same like giving birth contractions?!
Let's hope such incident don't happen again.
22 May 2019
貌合神离
从来都没有听过这句成语。
在一次偶然跟妈咪去吃早餐时，突然聊起。
发现这句成语好贴切的形容我们。
貌合：两人在外表上是夫妻，是一对的，表面是在一起。
神离：虽然在外人看来是情侣，但是两个人心里是分离的。
妈咪也倾诉了以前也曾经历这个貌合神离的时候，一个人好孤单的时候，没有人能让她倾诉无奈。
我好了解，这一阵心痛在胸口里，久久都不能消散。
在一次偶然跟妈咪去吃早餐时，突然聊起。
发现这句成语好贴切的形容我们。
貌合：两人在外表上是夫妻，是一对的，表面是在一起。
神离：虽然在外人看来是情侣，但是两个人心里是分离的。
妈咪也倾诉了以前也曾经历这个貌合神离的时候，一个人好孤单的时候，没有人能让她倾诉无奈。
我好了解，这一阵心痛在胸口里，久久都不能消散。
18 May 2019
死心到彻底
原来特意载我从此变成所谓的不方便，绕远路，和浪费时间。
那次察觉为我做任何事原来对他来说是多么耗费力气和精神。一点都不能忘记那一句‘不值得’。这也不是第一次，所以也看清了为了我做任何事对他来说都是一场多此一举。我已不值得。
我的灰心一次又一次慢慢的变成了死心。
我再也不期待他为我做出任何事，甚至在家庭聚会结束后，我都不会期盼他会载我回家。因为好害怕那一个‘不值得’又像刀一样浮现在我眼前，不想眼巴巴给他机会再插我一刀，所以都会事先说了我自己回。自己搭车回家本来就是天经地义，没有人是必须载你一程的，甚至是你最亲的人。
我慢慢在学着，努力得把他当成普通朋友，过着自己没有对方的生活。也只有这样安慰了一半的我，知道怎样过单身生活，自己承担养儿的责任，自己一个人扮演爸妈的角色。
我还在努力学习，怎样独自独立过活。我不懂怎样苏发这种沮丧，每天到了夜深人静的时候，自己一个人坐在客厅里发呆，不知要做什么，不知要对谁说说话，对谁谈谈琐碎生活点滴。
在必须时刻，我们会提问新房子的装修细节，安排好了，就在不联络。这个方式吻合了我们的普通朋友联络的方法。
慢慢的，我们都会习惯的。可是这份沮丧几时才会消散？我还在忍着，忍到有一天，我会习惯的。
那次察觉为我做任何事原来对他来说是多么耗费力气和精神。一点都不能忘记那一句‘不值得’。这也不是第一次，所以也看清了为了我做任何事对他来说都是一场多此一举。我已不值得。
我的灰心一次又一次慢慢的变成了死心。
我再也不期待他为我做出任何事，甚至在家庭聚会结束后，我都不会期盼他会载我回家。因为好害怕那一个‘不值得’又像刀一样浮现在我眼前，不想眼巴巴给他机会再插我一刀，所以都会事先说了我自己回。自己搭车回家本来就是天经地义，没有人是必须载你一程的，甚至是你最亲的人。
我慢慢在学着，努力得把他当成普通朋友，过着自己没有对方的生活。也只有这样安慰了一半的我，知道怎样过单身生活，自己承担养儿的责任，自己一个人扮演爸妈的角色。
我还在努力学习，怎样独自独立过活。我不懂怎样苏发这种沮丧，每天到了夜深人静的时候，自己一个人坐在客厅里发呆，不知要做什么，不知要对谁说说话，对谁谈谈琐碎生活点滴。
在必须时刻，我们会提问新房子的装修细节，安排好了，就在不联络。这个方式吻合了我们的普通朋友联络的方法。
慢慢的，我们都会习惯的。可是这份沮丧几时才会消散？我还在忍着，忍到有一天，我会习惯的。
22 April 2019
16 April 2019
18 March 2019
02 January 2019
Disconnected
I am writing this so that I can remember this episode of staying apart. In case, it happens again in future, or probably next time, forever.
It does not make a very big difference though, considering I am quite often left alone. Most of the time, I eat alone, I sleep alone. I stay alone. Probably, not alone, because Dylan is with me, Thida is with me and the dogs are with me.
But I felt ... alone.
I stayed in the office till late, dreading the night that is coming. The most dreadful part of the day came when it is time to go home, as I look forward to ... nothing.
I strolled out of the office slowly, dragging my time. I tried recalling ... why do I feel so lonely? Why am I not attached to anything?
Then I realised that he does not participate in anything in my life, at all. With the house sold, that little attachment is gone with the house too.
I can't feel his existence because there is zero participation in the family. I am in-charge of everything in the family and it just felt like I am shouldering it all alone.
There is a total disconnection that I cannot mend.
It does not make a very big difference though, considering I am quite often left alone. Most of the time, I eat alone, I sleep alone. I stay alone. Probably, not alone, because Dylan is with me, Thida is with me and the dogs are with me.
But I felt ... alone.
I stayed in the office till late, dreading the night that is coming. The most dreadful part of the day came when it is time to go home, as I look forward to ... nothing.
I strolled out of the office slowly, dragging my time. I tried recalling ... why do I feel so lonely? Why am I not attached to anything?
Then I realised that he does not participate in anything in my life, at all. With the house sold, that little attachment is gone with the house too.
I can't feel his existence because there is zero participation in the family. I am in-charge of everything in the family and it just felt like I am shouldering it all alone.
There is a total disconnection that I cannot mend.
05 November 2018
26 October 2018
09 July 2018
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