Unfortunately, this bitter thought just won't go away.
For the last decade, I carried this piece of guilt hidden in the bottom of my heart, regretting to myself that I brought someone out to this world to suffer.
This guilt becomes heavier as he grows older when challenges in life become tougher and rougher, and parenting it all alone is physically and mentally gruelling. I salute all those single mothers out there.
Having grown up in a family whereby both my parents do not handheld me in all matters, I grew up to be an independent woman. I grew up finding my own way to adulthood, seeking resources myself be it in studies or play.
Being educated in this manner, I became a mother not wanting to handheld my child too. But sad to say, my child can't. Without being able to master the social cues in life, he is a clueless kid and is the exact opposite of street smart. Why is my kid not normal like the others? I am full of envy when I see other children who can function normally.
If I had known, I would have guarded with my life not to let this bitter life carry on to what seems an eternity. Who says life is short? I think a lifetime is so long. Maybe too long.
It is a joke and I laughed bitterly inside me whenever thoughts like that came to my mind:
"Please pack and leave home."
"Please run away from home."
"Please go seek refuge at other places."
And...
"Please... run away... get away from someone."
This year, he is 14. And my guilt is also just as old.
