2021 年12月30日，家人打了电话给我跟我说 - 你走了。
你走了。。。走了。。。我头脑一片空白。我愣了，不知所措。
‘我知道了，让我知道之后的安排。’
我还来不及，再见你多一面，再看看你，再说说话，再抱抱你。
我们之前说的，等你好一点，我们要去走走，逛街，吃饭，喝咖啡。。。可是一样都没有做到。
我没等到。。。
我从小几乎把你当成我另一个母亲，谢谢你在我生命里出现，我很感激。
我想你了。。。怎么办。。。
我们来世再见。
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出殡那天，在你被推去被火化的那刻，我们应该要跟你好好道别，让你能安心离开。可是。。。可是。。。我一句好话都说不出。
就这一句 -- ‘我们再约。’
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看了看你最后发给我的讯息是八月份，我记得我其实是约了去见你，可是因为某些原因，我失约了。然后跟你说我们再约。可是我没有做到。为什么我没有。。。没有来得及见你多一面。。。
Unfortunately, this bitter thought just won't go away.
For the last decade, I carried this piece of guilt hidden in the bottom of my heart, regretting to myself that I brought someone out to this world to suffer.
This guilt becomes heavier as he grows older when challenges in life become tougher and rougher, and parenting it all alone is physically and mentally gruelling. I salute all those single mothers out there.
Having grown up in a family whereby both my parents do not handheld me in all matters, I grew up to be an independent woman. I grew up finding my own way to adulthood, seeking resources myself be it in studies or play.
Being educated in this manner, I became a mother not wanting to handheld my child too. But sad to say, my child can't. Without being able to master the social cues in life, he is a clueless kid and is the exact opposite of street smart. Why is my kid not normal like the others? I am full of envy when I see other children who can function normally.
If I had known, I would have guarded with my life not to let this bitter life carry on to what seems an eternity. Who says life is short? I think a lifetime is so long. Maybe too long.
It is a joke and I laughed bitterly inside me whenever thoughts like that came to my mind:
"Please pack and leave home."
"Please run away from home."
"Please go seek refuge at other places."
And...
"Please... run away... get away from someone."
This year, he is 14. And my guilt is also just as old.
