I am only human, you understand?
04 November 2019
Teach me how to control natural reaction
If I have the ability to control my natural reactions, I must be a psychic. And it won't be called natural reaction anyway.
31 May 2019
Day of discharge - 31 May 2019
5.30am - nurse woke me and ask me to go shower (omg at this timing?! )
6am - lying in bed clean and fresh, waiting to be slaughtered
6.25am - nurse came to keep my valuables in the safe, including my phone. Tried to return to sleep since there's nothing to do
6.50am - the sound of wheels are so loud, nurse pulled open the curtain and announce to go to the operating theatre
7.05am - arrive at the OT, put on showercap, put on bp measurer, and heartbeat sensor on my finger, after settling my body in the position I would be doing the scope, doctor came in and explain to me that he will not start till I m sleeping. He then injected two or three tubes of I dunno what and I was amazed that I will be sleeping soon? I blinked after the injection, and was thinking how long will I take to fall asleep. Because it took me real long to fall asleep these days.
Next moment nurse tried to wake me and tell me it's done and I am on the way back to ward. I couldn't talk but in the back of my mind I was 'huh it's done?! I totally didn't feel it!'
I continued to doze off.
Next moment, another nurse says to go for MRI and wheeled me there. Continues to sleep. The MRI takes forever, the machine tells me to breathe in and out and hold my breath for I think 10 times, each at a 3 minutes internal, the whole duration I have to put my hands above my head, my hands were freezing, and is almost numb from the cold.
10am - back to ward, continues to sleep because of the drowsiness
11am - Doctor Wong came, showed me the images taken of the stomach, pointed out the many red dots found and said these are inflammation and explains these are severe gastritis and is the cause for pain. The biopsy also show traces of Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori) infection, so will have to continue to take another week of antibiotics to clear it. Will give me hospitalization leave till end of next Friday (that's a total of 8 days hospitalization leave! Wondered about the doctor's generosity on HL)
11.45am - finally eating my breakfast after multiple reminders from different nurses.
31 May 2019, marks the day I get discharged from Mount Alvernia because of severe gastritis. I thought I could die from the severe stomach cramps that occur suddenly in the middle of the night on 29 May, and I actually sent myself to the hospital alone because I couldn't take the pain anymore. The pain is indescribable, same like giving birth contractions?!
Let's hope such incident don't happen again.
6am - lying in bed clean and fresh, waiting to be slaughtered
6.25am - nurse came to keep my valuables in the safe, including my phone. Tried to return to sleep since there's nothing to do
6.50am - the sound of wheels are so loud, nurse pulled open the curtain and announce to go to the operating theatre
7.05am - arrive at the OT, put on showercap, put on bp measurer, and heartbeat sensor on my finger, after settling my body in the position I would be doing the scope, doctor came in and explain to me that he will not start till I m sleeping. He then injected two or three tubes of I dunno what and I was amazed that I will be sleeping soon? I blinked after the injection, and was thinking how long will I take to fall asleep. Because it took me real long to fall asleep these days.
Next moment nurse tried to wake me and tell me it's done and I am on the way back to ward. I couldn't talk but in the back of my mind I was 'huh it's done?! I totally didn't feel it!'
I continued to doze off.
Next moment, another nurse says to go for MRI and wheeled me there. Continues to sleep. The MRI takes forever, the machine tells me to breathe in and out and hold my breath for I think 10 times, each at a 3 minutes internal, the whole duration I have to put my hands above my head, my hands were freezing, and is almost numb from the cold.
10am - back to ward, continues to sleep because of the drowsiness
11am - Doctor Wong came, showed me the images taken of the stomach, pointed out the many red dots found and said these are inflammation and explains these are severe gastritis and is the cause for pain. The biopsy also show traces of Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori) infection, so will have to continue to take another week of antibiotics to clear it. Will give me hospitalization leave till end of next Friday (that's a total of 8 days hospitalization leave! Wondered about the doctor's generosity on HL)
11.45am - finally eating my breakfast after multiple reminders from different nurses.
31 May 2019, marks the day I get discharged from Mount Alvernia because of severe gastritis. I thought I could die from the severe stomach cramps that occur suddenly in the middle of the night on 29 May, and I actually sent myself to the hospital alone because I couldn't take the pain anymore. The pain is indescribable, same like giving birth contractions?!
Let's hope such incident don't happen again.
22 May 2019
貌合神离
从来都没有听过这句成语。
在一次偶然跟妈咪去吃早餐时，突然聊起。
发现这句成语好贴切的形容我们。
貌合：两人在外表上是夫妻，是一对的，表面是在一起。
神离：虽然在外人看来是情侣，但是两个人心里是分离的。
妈咪也倾诉了以前也曾经历这个貌合神离的时候，一个人好孤单的时候，没有人能让她倾诉无奈。
我好了解，这一阵心痛在胸口里，久久都不能消散。
在一次偶然跟妈咪去吃早餐时，突然聊起。
发现这句成语好贴切的形容我们。
貌合：两人在外表上是夫妻，是一对的，表面是在一起。
神离：虽然在外人看来是情侣，但是两个人心里是分离的。
妈咪也倾诉了以前也曾经历这个貌合神离的时候，一个人好孤单的时候，没有人能让她倾诉无奈。
我好了解，这一阵心痛在胸口里，久久都不能消散。
18 May 2019
死心到彻底
原来特意载我从此变成所谓的不方便，绕远路，和浪费时间。
那次察觉为我做任何事原来对他来说是多么耗费力气和精神。一点都不能忘记那一句‘不值得’。这也不是第一次，所以也看清了为了我做任何事对他来说都是一场多此一举。我已不值得。
我的灰心一次又一次慢慢的变成了死心。
我再也不期待他为我做出任何事，甚至在家庭聚会结束后，我都不会期盼他会载我回家。因为好害怕那一个‘不值得’又像刀一样浮现在我眼前，不想眼巴巴给他机会再插我一刀，所以都会事先说了我自己回。自己搭车回家本来就是天经地义，没有人是必须载你一程的，甚至是你最亲的人。
我慢慢在学着，努力得把他当成普通朋友，过着自己没有对方的生活。也只有这样安慰了一半的我，知道怎样过单身生活，自己承担养儿的责任，自己一个人扮演爸妈的角色。
我还在努力学习，怎样独自独立过活。我不懂怎样苏发这种沮丧，每天到了夜深人静的时候，自己一个人坐在客厅里发呆，不知要做什么，不知要对谁说说话，对谁谈谈琐碎生活点滴。
在必须时刻，我们会提问新房子的装修细节，安排好了，就在不联络。这个方式吻合了我们的普通朋友联络的方法。
慢慢的，我们都会习惯的。可是这份沮丧几时才会消散？我还在忍着，忍到有一天，我会习惯的。
那次察觉为我做任何事原来对他来说是多么耗费力气和精神。一点都不能忘记那一句‘不值得’。这也不是第一次，所以也看清了为了我做任何事对他来说都是一场多此一举。我已不值得。
我的灰心一次又一次慢慢的变成了死心。
我再也不期待他为我做出任何事，甚至在家庭聚会结束后，我都不会期盼他会载我回家。因为好害怕那一个‘不值得’又像刀一样浮现在我眼前，不想眼巴巴给他机会再插我一刀，所以都会事先说了我自己回。自己搭车回家本来就是天经地义，没有人是必须载你一程的，甚至是你最亲的人。
我慢慢在学着，努力得把他当成普通朋友，过着自己没有对方的生活。也只有这样安慰了一半的我，知道怎样过单身生活，自己承担养儿的责任，自己一个人扮演爸妈的角色。
我还在努力学习，怎样独自独立过活。我不懂怎样苏发这种沮丧，每天到了夜深人静的时候，自己一个人坐在客厅里发呆，不知要做什么，不知要对谁说说话，对谁谈谈琐碎生活点滴。
在必须时刻，我们会提问新房子的装修细节，安排好了，就在不联络。这个方式吻合了我们的普通朋友联络的方法。
慢慢的，我们都会习惯的。可是这份沮丧几时才会消散？我还在忍着，忍到有一天，我会习惯的。
22 April 2019
16 April 2019
18 March 2019
02 January 2019
Disconnected
I am writing this so that I can remember this episode of staying apart. In case, it happens again in future, or probably next time, forever.
It does not make a very big difference though, considering I am quite often left alone. Most of the time, I eat alone, I sleep alone. I stay alone. Probably, not alone, because Dylan is with me, Thida is with me and the dogs are with me.
But I felt ... alone.
I stayed in the office till late, dreading the night that is coming. The most dreadful part of the day came when it is time to go home, as I look forward to ... nothing.
I strolled out of the office slowly, dragging my time. I tried recalling ... why do I feel so lonely? Why am I not attached to anything?
Then I realised that he does not participate in anything in my life, at all. With the house sold, that little attachment is gone with the house too.
I can't feel his existence because there is zero participation in the family. I am in-charge of everything in the family and it just felt like I am shouldering it all alone.
There is a total disconnection that I cannot mend.
It does not make a very big difference though, considering I am quite often left alone. Most of the time, I eat alone, I sleep alone. I stay alone. Probably, not alone, because Dylan is with me, Thida is with me and the dogs are with me.
But I felt ... alone.
I stayed in the office till late, dreading the night that is coming. The most dreadful part of the day came when it is time to go home, as I look forward to ... nothing.
I strolled out of the office slowly, dragging my time. I tried recalling ... why do I feel so lonely? Why am I not attached to anything?
Then I realised that he does not participate in anything in my life, at all. With the house sold, that little attachment is gone with the house too.
I can't feel his existence because there is zero participation in the family. I am in-charge of everything in the family and it just felt like I am shouldering it all alone.
There is a total disconnection that I cannot mend.
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